Actually, we got back Saturday afternoon. While my sinuses hate many forms of air conditioning, any discomfort was worth it to see my lady love so freaking happy, We stayed at the Wyndham Altra in Playa del Carmen. My wife and I agreed they have the best staff we’ve ever encountered. They were kind, nonjudgmental, and beyond helpful. When my arthritis rendered me unable to use the ladder to get out of the pool, the staff worked on solutions without once cracking a smile or a joke. Simply put, we had a wonderful time and hope to do it again.
Big ups to Meg Langley Sakka of MEGnificent Travel for putting it all together and saving us a ton of money. Since I recently totaled our car when a pickup truck dropped its load in front of me on the highway, those savings went to a good cause. Specifically, a 2025 Hyundai Elantra that we purchased at Happy Hyundai. They worked with us and never tried to upsell us. So, while we don’t need the expense right now, we can’t complain about our electric blue love machine.
Okay, enough chit-chat, let’s get back to the Wonderful World of McSciFi!
While I have had a TikTok channel for a few years, I didn’t really do much with it. A couple weeks ago, before the performative ban that lasted about an hour, I started cleaning things up and loading new stuff. TikTok has a sixty-second limit on music usage. That means all those wonderful, high definition files on my Vimeo page won’t work on TikTok. You should still go watch them with good sound. You just can’t do that on TikTok.
This meant we had to get creative. Now there are a bunch of new, sixty-second or so videos promoting books, authors, Azoth Khem, and celebrating all the little people who ride unicycles.
One of those things may not be true.
One thing that is true is that you and your daring friends can Cosplay McSciFi. If you want to take things to the next level, hit me up and I’ll send you links for DIY kits that allow you to match your bat wing colors to your flesh tone. That makes you a more realistic succubus. I also have links on how to make a working centaur costume. You need to be a little crafty, but it’s doable and cost-effective. Werewolf costumes can be altered to make wonderful Wolfen or Badgebeths and I even found a tentacle costume for the ladies. Granted, it’s for a Disney character, but a glance at the image below should give you ideas on how to make it work for this.
As always, tasteful bralets or pasties are welcome for the more modest feminine types among you. No matter what, if you’re under eighteen years of age, those accouterments are mandatory. Uncle McSciFi doesn’t want to go back to jail.
Also, while all the work to make The Brittle Riders a movie continues apace behind the scenes, we have set up new info pages for The Brittle Riders and Goptri of the Mists. They contain videos, graphics, reviews, pics of people clutching their favorite books, and links to purchase every single thing related to these titles.
For those of you who would rather just dip a toe into the ocean of McSciFi, keep in mind that Stuff About Things is out and looking for love. As noted online, “The squishy brain of Bill “McSciFi” McCormick has been responsible for many words. Some of them coherent. What you are looking at is a compendium of short stories, fun looks at history, and the greatest rejection letter ever penned. It was so great it started his career.”
Lastly, because you know the universe needs a chuckle now and then, I will be interviewed by Perfect Soulmates on Wednesday about romance and politics in The Brittle Riders. Yes, romance. There are several underlying love stories, and my wife thinks they’re sweet and fun. Obviously, any book that starts with the death of every man, woman, and child on the planet can also be sweet and fun.
Originally published on World News Center on January 17, 2011.
Today is the day set aside to celebrate the birth of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. A day when people can reflect on the fact that, no, we’re not there yet. Even so, I’ve always been more of a Malcolm X kind of guy. When I first stumbled across his autobiography when I was 17, I was stunned. While everyone was aware of the good works of Dr. King, the majority of white America either ignored, or was ignorant of, Malcolm X. I fell into the latter category. His life story of a man who went from street hustling loser to scion of racial divisionism to finally finding out that Allah (God) truly is love and holds no man above another resonated with me deeply. It was the modern version of the story of Saul who became Paul. And while my personal faith may have taken many strange turns through the years, my admiration for him remained constant.
If Malcolm X was the modern allegory of the Apostle Paul, then Dr. King was the modern messiah illuminating the road to Damascus. His biography shows that he too suffered at the hands of the world. His family home was bombed, he was arrested numerous times and his followers were endlessly harassed. Yet he held himself above the fray once famously saying to an angry mob, “We must learn to meet hate with love.”
I’m not sure I have that level of self control, but it’s nice to know that it can be attained.
Another thing many people forget about Dr. King is that he was a practical man who espoused real world virtues, not just visionary hopes, to his followers. One speech of his, often relegated to history’s dust bin, is called The Drum Major Instinct. I’m only going to post an excerpt here, but I hope you will take the time to read it all. It clearly shows a man who had a grasp of the world around him as well as the world he wished to be.
Now the presence of the drum major instinct is why so many people are “joiners.” You know, there are some people who just join everything. And it’s really a quest for attention and recognition and importance. And they get names that give them that impression. So you get your groups, and they become the “Grand Patron,” and the little fellow who is henpecked at home needs a chance to be the “Most Worthy of the Most Worthy” of something. It is the drum major impulse and longing that runs the gamut of human life. And so we see it everywhere, this quest for recognition. And we join things, overjoin really, that we think that we will find that recognition in.
Now the presence of this instinct explains why we are so often taken by advertisers. You know, those gentlemen of massive verbal persuasion. And they have a way of saying things to you that kind of gets you into buying. In order to be a man of distinction, you must drink this whiskey. In order to make your neighbors envious, you must drive this type of car. (Make it plain) In order to be lovely to love you must wear this kind of lipstick or this kind of perfume. And you know, before you know it, you’re just buying that stuff. (Yes) That’s the way the advertisers do it.
I got a letter the other day, and it was a new magazine coming out. And it opened up, “Dear Dr. King: As you know, you are on many mailing lists. And you are categorized as highly intelligent, progressive, a lover of the arts and the sciences, and I know you will want to read what I have to say.” Of course I did. After you said all of that and explained me so exactly, of course I wanted to read it. [laughter]
But very seriously, it goes through life; the drum major instinct is real. (Yes) And you know what else it causes to happen? It often causes us to live above our means. (Make it plain) It’s nothing but the drum major instinct. Do you ever see people buy cars that they can’t even begin to buy in terms of their income? (Amen) [laughter] You’ve seen people riding around in Cadillacs and Chryslers who don’t earn enough to have a good T-Model Ford. (Make it plain) But it feeds a repressed ego.
You know, economists tell us that your automobile should not cost more than half of your annual income. So if you make an income of five thousand dollars, your car shouldn’t cost more than about twenty-five hundred. That’s just good economics. And if it’s a family of two, and both members of the family make ten thousand dollars, they would have to make out with one car. That would be good economics, although it’s often inconvenient. But so often, haven’t you seen people making five thousand dollars a year and driving a car that costs six thousand? And they wonder why their ends never meet. [laughter] That’s a fact.
Now the economists also say that your house shouldn’t cost—if you’re buying a house, it shouldn’t cost more than twice your income. That’s based on the economy and how you would make ends meet. So, if you have an income of five thousand dollars, it’s kind of difficult in this society. But say it’s a family with an income of ten thousand dollars, the house shouldn’t cost much more than twenty thousand. Well, I’ve seen folk making ten thousand dollars, living in a forty- and fifty-thousand-dollar house. And you know they just barely make it. They get a check every month somewhere, and they owe all of that out before it comes in. Never have anything to put away for rainy days.
But now the problem is, it is the drum major instinct. And you know, you see people over and over again with the drum major instinct taking them over. And they just live their lives trying to outdo the Joneses. (Amen) They got to get this coat because this particular coat is a little better and a little better-looking than Mary’s coat. And I got to drive this car because it’s something about this car that makes my car a little better than my neighbor’s car. (Amen) I know a man who used to live in a thirty-five-thousand-dollar house. And other people started building thirty-five-thousand-dollar houses, so he built a seventy-five-thousand-dollar house. And then somebody else built a seventy-five-thousand-dollar house, and he built a hundred-thousand-dollar house. And I don’t know where he’s going to end up if he’s going to live his life trying to keep up with the Joneses.
There comes a time that the drum major instinct can become destructive. (Make it plain) And that’s where I want to move now. I want to move to the point of saying that if this instinct is not harnessed, it becomes a very dangerous, pernicious instinct. For instance, if it isn’t harnessed, it causes one’s personality to become distorted. I guess that’s the most damaging aspect of it: what it does to the personality. If it isn’t harnessed, you will end up day in and day out trying to deal with your ego problem by boasting. Have you ever heard people that—you know, and I’m sure you’ve met them—that really become sickening because they just sit up all the time talking about themselves. (Amen) And they just boast and boast and boast, and that’s the person who has not harnessed the drum major instinct.
There’s nothing I can add to that so I’ll leave you to your thoughts.
Let today be a day where you look back lest ye forget, and look forward so you may see hope.
Azoth Khem Publishing and Perspective Film House have partnered to bring The Brittle Riders to life either as a streaming property on TV or full-length movie. No one will be using the pilot script I wrote. While there are elements everyone liked, there aren’t enough of them to move forward. Which is fine. At this point, I’ve been living these stories for almost a decade. Fresh eyes will be appreciated.
Perspective was aggressive in their presentation and provided clear expectations of what we could, and could not, expect. More importantly, at least to everyone at this end of the deal, was the fact they’d read the book prior to making an offer. Further, they’d read others that could have fit with their needs and still selected us.
If you haven’t read it yet, it really is a good story.
It’s got boobs, violence, guest appearances from the occasional dingus, morality issues, and gallons of booze.
Oh, yeah, it also has a plot.
Kind of a good one, now that you ask.
That could be why it was voted Best Sci-Fi Novel of 2022 by the Critters Readers Poll and had Kirkus Reviews give it a recommended rating and note it’s “(d)ensely packed, SF-tinged high fantasy that mildly satirizes the genre.”
Perspective will be handling the development of the formal presentation, which should take between six to ten months to get all spiffy and shiny, and then will secure the final investors to bring it all to life. Yes, they will need investors. This is too big a project to lay on the shoulders of one company. Unless that company is Marvel or something.
OMG! Can you see Robert Downey, Jr. portraying Sland?
No. No one can. Not even RDJ, back in his halcyon days of substance abuse, could see something like that.
Another reason to be excited about this is the fact they are realistically focused on Book 1 and not the entire universe. Obviously, they know it exists, but they aren’t getting ahead of themselves. That makes all of this possible.
If one works, and it will, they can always make more.
Just before the end of 2024, I posted a “starter pack” on social media of some of the characters from my novels in case anyone wanted to cosplay them. That led to some fun questions online and twenty-nine new subscribers to my email list.
HI EVERYONE!
Anyway, as to the questions, here are the answers.
(1) Yes, you can be under 18 and send me pics of you cosplaying. Just cover up your pretty bits so Mr. Bill doesn’t go to jail.
(2) If you’re over 18, you don’t have to wear pasties if you don’t want to. We have custom digital ones we can use as needed. However, I may ask for proof of age, so be prepared.
(3) If you’re already hairy, R’yune and Sland are both excellent and easy choices for you. I have others that I don’t have drawings of so ask if you’re interested.
(4) Except for the Pearls from Goptri of the Mists, who are clones of an Indian female serial killer coupled with the body of a Cephalopod, it is impossible to “race swap” any character. All my chimeras are built on a wide variety of human DNA. As long as you’re human, you’re halfway there.
(5) You can send all the pics you want. I will not use any without your permission. Just submitting them doesn’t grant me any rights. Years of experience have taught me that what seemed like a good idea at the time might not work so well in retrospect.
Yeah, you whimsical medical professional, I’m looking at you.
Just send whatever you’ve got to info@mcscifibooks.com so they don’t get lost in my personal email.
Feel free to share this with anyone you think might be interested.
This has been a long, occasionally strange, trip. However, at no point did I, or anyone involved, feel like we were being jerked around or shopping something useless. People genuinely liked this tale and all its possibilities.
Everything happened kind of fast. I’d been told by several industry professionals that something like this could happen, but it was still unexpected. In fact, we were in preliminary discussions with a different company when all of this occurred.
I will be forever grateful to all the people I met along the way who offered encouragement, their time, and detailed advice to help this project shine. Without their assistance, and guidance I’d probably be wondering if Wendy’s was hiring.
(jedi mind trick)Yes, you will want fries with that(/jedi mind trick).
Anyway, strap in gang, this ride has only just begun.
This was originally published on December 14, 2021. It became a holiday tradition on The Big Wakeup Call with Ryan Gatenby.
It always amazes me how two unrelated things can suddenly become one joyful thing. I doubt anyone ever said, “Hey! I have a great idea! Let’s add nuclear warheads to Santa’s arsenal!” And, yet, on December 24, 1955, that’s pretty much what happened. A Denver department store put an ad in the local paper offering kids the chance to talk directly to Santa on Christmas Eve. Although much is lost to the mists of time one must assume they had hired, or cajoled, someone to play Santa. As it turned out that dude was in for a lonely night. You see, the company had put the wrong number in the ad. Instead of getting the North Pole kids got the Continental Air Defense Command (CONAD) Operations Center in Colorado Springs, Colo. Their job was, and mostly still is, to make safe our shores and be prepared to drop nuclear warheads on any target ordered by the president. The wonderful film Dr. Strangelove or How I Learned to Love the Bomb may have been satire, but it was based on the command chain at CONAD and this scene could easily have played out in real life.
Fortunately for all, CONAD did not bomb the North Pole.
Instead, when the phone began to ring, Air Force Col. Harry Shoup, the commander on duty that night who answered the child’s phone call, was quick to realize a mistake had been made and assured the child he was Santa. After more incoming calls, Shoup assigned a duty officer to continue answering calls and a tradition was born, that continued when NORAD was formed in 1958. As the night wore on the officers would tell the children where Santa was and then let them know they were making sure he was safe.
Not wanting to keep the fun to themselves, they began sending out updates to radio stations all over the country so they could keep their listeners abreast of Santa’s progress. By the late 60s, Chicagoans could tune into to WGN-TV for hourly updates. Often offered by breathless weather men.
“Santa’s over Tobago now. He says the scenery is beautiful and the natives are friendly!”
As a kid I was glued to the TV wondering when Santa was going to get to me.
Of course, had I developed logic and reason, I would have noted the Santa Tracker updated as each time zone hit midnight. Which makes perfect sense.
As I got older, I would go to my uncle and aunt’s house so we could assemble all the toys after the kids went to bed. In essence, I had become Santa.
And you know what? I still watched the TV to see where he was.
You want to know something else? I still believe in Santa. And whenever someone calls me on it, I point them to an article written on Sept. 21, 1897 by veteran newsman Francis Pharcellus Church. Who was a piece of work in his own right, which makes this all the sweeter.
DEAR EDITOR: I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. Papa says, ‘If you see it in THE SUN it’s so.’ Please tell me the truth; is there a Santa Claus?
VIRGINIA O’HANLON. 115 WEST NINETY-FIFTH STREET.
VIRGINIA, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men’s or children’s, are little. In this great universe of ours man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.
Yes, VIRGINIA, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus. It would be as dreary as if there were no VIRGINIAS. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The eternal light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.
Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies! You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas Eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if they did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that’s no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.
You may tear apart the baby’s rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived, could tear apart. Only faith, fancy, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, VIRGINIA, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.
No Santa Claus! Thank God! he lives, and he lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.
And, with that, allow me to wish each and everyone of you a Merry Christmas.
Origanlly posted December 18, 2015 on World News Center.
Since, this year, Christmas Eve falls on a Friday that means, if I want to do our annual Christmas radio show I need to do it today. Which is fine. Christmas is a fun, and interesting, holiday. Steeped in traditions that have nothing to do with its alleged origins it has become a global holiday that brings out the strangest in people. I’ve done my fair share of articles on the day, covering everything from the joys of Christmas poop to how Colonel Sanders is the image used for Santa in Japan. Today I’m not going to talk about those. Instead I’d like to spend some time talking about the two guys who represent the day. From the religious side of things. Because, believe it or not, a long time ago, in a Galilee far away, this whole thing had to do with a dude who said some very nice things and another dude who did some. Let’s take a look at them in chronological order.
A lot of people, including some Messianic Jews (Jews who believe Jesus is the Messiah), will call Jesus by a different name: Yeshua (Hebrew ????????). They say that Yeshua is the Jewish name that Jesus would have been called by those who knew Him. Some messianics and other groups say that Yeshua is Jesus’ real name and that the name “Jesus” is wrong. Others say that it is okay to use either one. But then again, there are those who say that the word, “Jesus,” is pagan in origin and should not be used at all. And if that weren’t enough, some say that “Jesus” is derived from “Zeus” and really means “hail Zeus.” With all these possibilities is there a real answer to what was the Messiah’s real name? Yes, there is. It is found in the New Testament.
YIKES!
Fortunately for us, the nice people at Got Questions (a faith based scholarship website), have the answer.
Some people claim that our Lord should not be referred to as “Jesus.” Instead, we should only use the name “Yeshua.” Some even go so far as to say that calling Him “Jesus” is blasphemous. Others go into great detail about how the name “Jesus” is unbiblical because the letter J is a modern invention and there was no letter J in Greek or Hebrew. Yeshua is the Hebrew name, and its English spelling is “Joshua.” Iesous is the Greek transliteration of the Hebrew name, and its English spelling is “Jesus.” Thus, the names “Joshua” and “Jesus” are essentially the same; both are English pronunciations of the Hebrew and Greek names
Quick note here, no matter which name you use, there’s no requirement in the bible that you only use one language or another. As long as you’re referring to the prophet of the New Testament, you’re golden.
Okay, so now we’ve named him. Let’s take a quick peek at the events leading up to His birth. I wrote Another Birther Conspiracy back in 2012 and, since the facts happened over 2,000 years ago, not much has changed. The one thing that did has been corrected with a minor, parenthetical, edit.
Before we get to the story of the birth of Jesus we need to back track a bit. Specifically we need to go back to 63 BC. That was when Rome invaded, and conquered, Judea, the land of the Jews. The Jews, as you might imagine, did not like being invaded and conquered so there were several minor rebellions. Rome dealt with them in their usual subtle fashion, they killed anyone who opposed them.
Keep in mind that Judea had many great warriors but Rome had an army. There is a massive difference there. And the result of their clash was obvious. In less than a year Judea was a Roman enclave.
Rome wanted two things from Judea; (1) a Mediterranean port for trade and; (2) taxes. The former it got by holding the land, the latter it got by imposing the same method that Romans used on any lands they conquered. A centurion would guesstimate the population of a town or village, round it up and say “You owe Rome this much money every month.” It was then up to whoever the Centurion assigned to collect that money.
In Judea that task fell mainly to the pharisees.
They don’t come off very well in the New Testament, and you can see why. Their job was nearly impossible. They had to keep the Romans happy by taking as much money as possible from their fellow Jews while at the same time keeping the Romans from killing their fellow Jews for sport.
It was a task that made no one happy.
Flash forward to 5 BC. Chinese astronomers recorded that a comet appeared in the spring of that year and hung in the sky for an extended period. It probably got caught in a gravity well for a bit. But whatever the reason, there would have been a glowing object in the sky and, thanks to an optical illusion, it would have appeared to be hanging there as if it just magically appeared.
That seems about right for the Star of Bethlehem.
Now a couple of annoying facts. First off, Rome never counted the people it conquered in any census. They really didn’t consider them people. You were either a Roman citizen or you were chattel. And, to Rome, Jews were chattel unless they, like the family of Saul who became Paul, earned citizenship. Second, I have already noted how the Romans collected taxes. They did it that way to keep everyone in place. The last thing they would do is set the people they worked so hard to conquer loose on roads where they could congregate and foment rebellion.
This would have been especially true of the Jews. Most Roman soldiers were illiterate. (Many) Jews were not. They could read and write from a young age. That’s because, unlike any other contemporary religions, Judaism was memorialized in a book, the Torah. If you wanted to be a good Jew you needed to be able to read the Torah.
So a group of people who could spread a plan for rebellion just by passing slips of paper scared the hell out of the Romans. Better to keep them in their little towns and lord over them with garrison troops.
Which is exactly what they did.
Many scholars have said illiteracy would have been rampant in rural areas populated by Jews, and there is a ton of data to back that up. However, in more metropolitan areas this would not have been true. Nevertheless, since Jesus was born in Nazareth, a/k/a Bu-Fu Nowhere, it’s assumed he was illiterate too. I don’t think so. All you need do is read the Sermon on the Mount to see a man who had a deep grasp of the current social order, was well versed in Mosaic Law, understood the division necessary between Church and State (later exemplified with “Render therefore unto Caesar the things which are Caesar’s; and unto God the things that are God’s.” [Matthew 22:21]), and had a wicked sense of humor. All signs of a very literate, and educated, man.
Sense of humor?
Oh yeah. Just ask any rabbi to read you Beatitudes in Aramaic, the language Jesus spoke. The rhythm of the speech will be immediately clear to you even if the words are not. It’s the same rhythm comedians still use for one liners to this day. It gets lost by many modern adherents that Jesus was a very funny dude.
All right, so now we’re clear who Jesus was, where he came from, and have a pretty good idea when he was born. Nowhere near December 25th is an acceptable answer if you don’t buy my theory about March in 5 B.C.
The whole late December dating ritual came about since no one had a clear idea when he was born and the Catholic Church needed to incorporate, i.e., override, many pagan holidays. The result was many pagan traditions such as the tree, the gift giving, the candles (e.g., Christmas lights), egg nog, wassailing (the most violent holiday tradition ever back in its day), all got rolled up in what was, a minor and simple celebration.
So how did all of that lead us to Santa Claus? You can thank Jolly Old St. Nick for that. Well, you can thank St. Nicholas, who really wasn’t all that jolly. The nice folks over at National Public Radio did a fun, if watered down, story about the man.
If you celebrate Christmas, you may have found some presents under the tree, and you may believe those mysterious presents came from a jolly old man in a red suit.
He has a lot of names, including Santa Claus, Kris Kringle, Sinterklaas, Noel Baba, Popo Gigio — and of course — St. Nicholas. But believe it or not, St. Nicholas was a real man. He was a bishop, living in the 3rd century, in what’s now modern-day Turkey.
Professor Adam English of Campbell University in North Carolina pieced together the life of St. Nicholas in his new book, The Saint Who Would Be Santa Claus: The True Life and Trials of Nicholas of Myra.
St. Nicholas oversaw a massive transition in the Christian faith, including participating in the Council of Nicaea — the first ecumenical council. Legend has it that he slapped a famous heretic with his sandal. English says the story isn’t true, but his bones show that he had a broken nose.
“So perhaps he did have a violent past, or perhaps he did get into a scuffle or two in his lifetime,” English tells NPR’s Celeste Headlee. But there was one true story that somehow captured the imagination of Christians for centuries.
English says that as a young man, Nicholas had inherited a sum of money. Nicholas hears about a man in town with three daughters on the verge of destitution. So he bags up some gold, and in the middle of the night, anonymously tosses the bag through the window.
Nicholas repeats the act two more times so that the family could use the money as dowries for the daughters, English says. Later legend adds that the window was locked, so Nicholas drops the bag down the chimney, where it lands in a stocking waiting by the fire to dry.
By the twelfth century, English says, nuns in France were making little gifts, leaving them on the doorsteps of children, and signing them “from St. Nicholas.”
None of this, however, was actually connected to Christmas or Christ’s birth. St. Nicholas Day is celebrated on December 6th.
English says that Santa Claus was initially introduced into the American context in the early 19th century. It was a combination of the day’s proximity to Christmas, and an effort by prominent New Yorkers to reclaim their European heritage.
“They were looking for roots, they were looking for traditions,” English says. “They turn to their Dutch heritage, and to be Dutch is to celebrate Sinterklass — celebrate St. Nicholas.”
Today’s image of Santa Claus is very different than that of the original St. Nicholas of Myra. English says he loves the stories of the jolly old man, with rosy cheeks, and a hearty laugh. But he wants to challenge Americans to consider the true story behind St. Nicholas.
“To not only give gifts to our family, those that we love and those that we know,” says English, “but to reach out beyond our family walls to those who we don’t know, who we don’t love, and to include them as well.”
I mentioned that the story was watered down. You see, Turkish sailors have a long tradition of sharing oral histories. And no one is allowed to tell a story unless they get it 100% right. And they have lots of stories about St. Nicholas. Basically, they all come down to this, the 5′ tall, rawboned, Bishop of Myra was perfectly capable of laying your ass right out if you crossed him or he caught you doing bad things. The recent autopsy of his remains seems to confirm that as a part of his charm.
Some people think that learning about this stuff somehow destroys the magic. I’m not one of them. I like to think that knowing the facts around each only adds to the richness of the tapestries their stories weave. When you know that Jesus played the Roman army like a violin to spread His message, you have to be impressed with the tremendous battle of wits He had to wage every day just to stay alive. When you know that St. Nicholas was capable of saving children from slavery, and able to knock the snot out of any miscreant, it just goes to show you how dedicated he was to his cause.
These people did not live in a bubble. They walked and talked and breathed and ate among their contemporaries. Their lives were influenced by their pasts while they held their collective vision on the future. Knowing that doesn’t lessen them. In many ways it makes them greater.
Now, how we ended up here from there says more about us than either of them.
Originally published sometime in 2015 on World News Center.
Back in 2012 I wrote a fun little blog about Holiday films everyone needed to see. Most people will point you to the classics like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, a fun story which reminds children that they’re all useless and will be shunned until they provide a service to their overlords. Santa Claus is Coming to Town, which seems like a pedophile’s wet dream today but was actually very sweet when it was first released (and is still a personal fave of mine since I’m not a pervert – well, not that kind of pervert), Frosty the Snowman, a fun story that reminds kids how much fun it can be to hop a freight train with a stranger, and, of course, A Christmas Story, the first holiday special to ever feature bad lingerie and guns. Certainly, there are others, from It’s a Wonderful Life to Die Hard; there are plenty of movies for older viewers who need chronic depression and death with their holiday.
But the list I created had nothing to do with any of them. Any third-rate blog could cough them up. No, my list is for those among you who are connoisseurs of cinema. Who are willing to experiment with your palate. For those who might prefer a moment off the beaten path.
You know who you are.
Merry Christmas!
**********************************
By now, you’ve opened the gifts, had your Christmas breakfast and settled in for another year of holiday entertainment. At least until the NBA takes over your TV. This is truly a magical time. The toys haven’t been broken yet. Uncle Ned is still mostly sober. Aunt Edna, still aglow from the kisses from the kids, has yet to begin her annual screed about what a failure you are. Cousin Tony seems to have taken his meds today, so that’s one less thing to worry about. As I said, it’s a magical time. But you and I know that if you have to watch A Christmas Story or Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer one more time, it is quite possible that you will react badly. Not to worry, it is exactly moments like this that the World News Center was designed to address. Well, these and stripper based funerals. Below, you will find an alphabetical list of 11 movies because Top 10 lists are for amateurs, that will brighten up your day.
Babes in Toyland All you need to know about this super-happy film, beyond the songs, toy soldiers and dancing puppets, is the super-happy story line. “On the eve of their wedding, evil miser Barnaby hires two henchmen to drown Tom and steal Mary’s sheep, cared for by Little Bo Peep, thus depriving Mary and the children she lives with of their livelihood, forcing her to marry Barnaby.” Kind of makes you misty, doesn’t it? Your kids will be in therapy for decades.
Christmas that Almost Wasn’t (The) “It is the week before Christmas, and Santa Claus visits attorney Sam Whipple, asking for his help. It turns out that the evil businessman Phineas T. Prune holds the lease on the North Pole and is about to kick Santa out for nonpayment of rent! As such, there will be no more Christmas!” It is never explained why Santa needed the cash and took a mortgage on the North Pole, and Phineas T. Prune is so over-the-top evil, right down to his mustache, you’ll forget to worry about it. The film has every Christmas cliche, including the bad guy who falls in love with a toy, so it may be the only Christmas movie you’ll ever need to see.
Ernest Saves Christmas Oh, this is a joyful mess. Santa goes to jail because this guy (a children’s show host) thinks his name is Santos, no racism there, and Ernest loses his job for giving a free ride to Santa, and Santa seems to suffer from Alzheimer’s. Nothing like creeping dementia to make your holiday joyous. Plot points include this heart warming gem; “Ernest and Harmony (whose real name is later revealed by Santa to be Pamela Trenton) discover the magic power of Santa’s sack, and immediately Pamela starts to abuse it. She steals the sack and attempts to run away yet again.” Santa’s magical sack is clearly different than mine.
Eight Crazy Nights Yeah, it’s a Hanukkah movie, so what? A plate of latkes warms the tummy no matter your religion. And it’s Adam Sandler, that master of subtlety and gentle wit. Doesn’t this plot just scream ‘group hug’? “Davey Stone, an alcoholic with a criminal record, is sentenced to community service under the supervision of an elderly referee. Davey is then faced with trying to reform and abandon his bad habits.” The special part is the songs, all of which sound like they were written by an inmate with anger issues.
Fitzwilly This movie has everything you could possibly want in a holiday movie. Dick Van Dyke had yet to join A.A., and he is clearly drunk in this film. Add in a soundtrack that was obviously mailed in after a month-long bender by John Williams, who would later redeem himself with that whole Star Wars thing, and you have oodles of family fun. But wait! There’s More! There’s a plot, too; “Claude Fitzwilliam leads the household staff to rob various businesses by charging goods to various wealthy people and misdirecting the shipments, all to keep Miss Vicki’s standard of living.” Gosh, it’s like every role model you want for your kids in one film.
Fred Claus “A garrulous hustler running from the emotional fallout of the ultimate sibling rivalry, poor Fred keeps trying to find happiness through one failed scheme after another, pushing away the people who care about him most.” This movie is so grandly contrived that you can pick out what will happen next in every single scene. It even has Santa’s boss. You might be forgiven for thinking that Santa doesn’t have a boss, but Kevin Spacey exists to prove you wrong. Not for anything else that I can see, but there you are.
Great Rupert (The) Forget the plot on this one I’ll tell you all you need to know. This film has a magic squirrel, Jimmy Durante, doing barroom versions of Christmas carols and lots of plucky poor people. Oh, and it has a dude who talks to the magic squirrel and plays a concertina, too. Did I mention that the magic squirrel steals money from their landlord so the family can eat and pay rent to the landlord the squirrel just stole from? No? I probably should have. Lots of feel-good stuff here.
Polar Express “On Christmas Eve, a doubting boy boards a magical train that’s headed to the North Pole and Santa Claus’s home.” Oh, that only scratches the surface. This movie has Tom Hanks in full-on schizophrenic mode. All of the adult male characters are played by Hanks. So we get him as a condescending prick who doubles as a train conductor and as a drunken hobo. The kids in the film are subjected to horror after horror, all needlessly, until they succumb and believe in Santa again. The film’s modernized version of rotoscoping gives it a nightmare feel. It is a must see film in my home.
Santa Claus (1959) What can I say about this masterpiece? Shot in Mexico and dubbed into English, it takes the myth of Santa to logical, if unusual, conclusions. Santa knows if you’ve been bad or good because he has a telescope in his space station (what do you mean you’ve never heard of Santa’s space station?), and he peeps into bedrooms. This classic features Santa versus Satan for control of the holiday. Satan, the bad guy in the red suit, tries to turn kids against the holiday by giving them stark nightmares where they are attacked and possibly eaten by their dolls. The plot line doesn’t do this work of art justice, “With the aid of Merlin, Santa Claus must defeat the evil machinations of the devil Pitch to ruin Xmas.” The whole Merlin thing is never explained, and by the end, you just don’t care.
Santa Claus Conquers The Martians This incredible film used to be an annual staple on WGN until someone sobered up. There’s just not enough space to capture everything worth seeing, but here’s a start; the Martians come to Earth to kidnap Santa so their kids, who are suffering from planetary depression, can learn to laugh and play like earth kids. The Martians have technology that could lay our planet to waste, but they keep forgetting to use it. So, they are immediately discovered by the U.S. Department of Defense and are forced to land and hide. On an on it goes. Add in the fact that Santa smokes and his wife is a controlling bitch, and you have holiday magic. The opening theme song is so bad as to sound as if it were imported from a Jap/Pop satire. The fact that this was Pia Zadora’s big-screen debut is only a minor bonus. And, no, she couldn’t act then either.
Year Without Santa Claus “Mrs. Claus tells us about the time Santa had a bad cold and decided to take a vacation from Christmas. Two of his elves, Jingle Bells and Jangle Bells, decided to go out (with Vixen) to find children to convince Santa that the Christmas spirit is still important to everybody else. But they have to get past Heat Miser and Snow Miser first before they land in Southtown, USA, where it never snows for Christmas. But the Miser Brothers can’t agree to let it snow in Southtown. But Mrs. Santa knows their mom–Mother Nature.” The songs by the Miser brothers alone make this a must-see, but the Santa-themed jailbreak in Southtown makes this must-see TV on an epic scale. Also, it is the first clearly feminist Christmas film. Mrs. Claus and Mama Nature don’t take no guff, no sirree bub I tell you what. A friend of mine claims this movie was written by a bitter lesbian, but I don’t think so. It has a weird sweetness that permeates throughout. Maybe a bitter lesbian who got a second date then.
So there you have it, 11 films to fill your holiday with heretofore unimagined joy. You can thank me later.
Originally published April 13, 2012 on World News Center.
If you happen to be a prestidigitating paraskevidekatriaphobic then today is wrought with horrible magic for you. For the rest of us it’s another day that’s just as good or bad as any other. Today, if you watch the news, you will be assaulted with lists of all the horrible things that have happened on Friday the 13th through the years. The first will be the fall of the Knights Templar at the duplicitous hands of King Philip IV of France and Pope Clement V on Friday the 13th in October of 1307. That one’s a juicy one since it features the only publically recorded curse attributed to God. Jacques de Molay, as he was about to be burned at the stake, claimed that God would strike both Philip and Clement dead for their deeds and, indeed, both men were dead within less than two months.
You will also hear from many noodle headed experts who will claim this is an ancient tradition, some will say dating back to the bible. These people are, using the technical term, deluded morons. Fridays have been bad news for a while, even Chaucer wrote disparagingly about them in his Canterbury Tales back in the 1,400’s. And the number 13 has, for reasons lost in the mists of time, been one to avoid since Babylon reigned supreme in the Middle East. It is even highly likely that Jesus knew about the superstition and selected the number of His apostles to prove the belief baseless. That would fit well with many of His reality based teachings.
But for any reference specific to Friday the 13th you need to be far more modern.
In 1907 an author named Thomas Lawson released a novel called “Friday the 13th.” In it a man uses superstition and greed to con a bunch of people and manipulate the stock market and cause it to crash. It was a popular book at the time and is also the first recorded use of Friday the 13th. So much for ancient and mystical. If you’re over 50, your grandparents could have had a slightly used copy of this book.
They may have even noted the eerie similarities in his book to the real stock market crash of 1929.
Still other featherheads will point to the 1993 study published in the British Medical Journal which compared the number of auto accidents on any given Friday the 6th versus Friday the 13thand said “Friday the 13th is unlucky for some. The risk of hospital admission as a result of a transport accident may be increased by as much as 52 percent. Staying home is recommended.”
Smart people just went “Hey, wait a minute, that research is horribly flawed.” And they are 100% right. When you compare Friday the 13th with other stressful days such as tax day, major holidays and so on, the accident rate falls right into the norm. In other words, events that cause people to stress out also cause them to become distracted and those distractions lead to accidents.
You know that phrase “It’s all in your head?” Well, in this case it’s true.
Just FYI, the word paraskevidekatriaphobic comes from the Greek; Paraskevi means Friday and dekatreis means 13. You can also call the fear of Friday the 13th Friggatriskaidekaphobia in honor of the Norse God Frigga whose name is where the word Friday comes from.
Yeah, a little etymology to brighten your day.
Okay, now for some meaningless fun.
In Spanish speaking countries, people fear Tuesday the Thirteenth or Martes Trece as it is called. The reason is that that was the day that Constantinople fell to the Ottoman Empire. That tradition does date back hundreds of years and is well documented.
In Italy, home of the Catholic Church and what many believe to be the root of the superstition, the number 13 is considered lucky and the day they avoid is Friday the 17th. So, go figure.
Some folks can’t resist tweaking their noses at superstitions. Black Sabbath released their debut album on Friday the 13th in February of 1970 and they did okay. The 13th book of A Series of Unfortunate Events by Lemony Snicket (a/k/a Daniel Handler) was released on Friday, October 13th, 2006 and he’s made goo-gobs (that’s a financial term) of money. And Adventure/Quest World, an online video game featuring the music of one of my faves, Voltaire, features famous guests every Friday the 13th.
This year there will be three Friday the 13ths and they are spaced 13 weeks apart.
Heh.
But, far be it for me to deny you something legitimate to worry about. On April 13, 2029 (a Friday), the asteroid 99942 Apophis (named after an angry Egyptian god) will come so close to the earth that it will be closer to our atmosphere than our man made satellites. If it gets caught in our gravity well it could do damage of apocalyptic proportions. Or it could just ricochet harmlessly off into space.
This was first published at World News Center (now defunct) on December 14, 2012.
It is, once again, that magical time of the year when we celebrate the birth of many people’s Lord and Savior on the wrong day. And it’s a date that’s not just a little wrong, it’s off by miles. If you have actually read the Bible and have the ability to Google information about weather in North Africa / Middle East you will note that the shepherds, their sheep and so on would have been safely away in their homes in December since it’s winter there too. Granted it’s milder than here, but it’s still winter. If you have access to a globe, stick your finger on Chicago and then drag it east. You’ll discover that Bethlehem isn’t that far south of the Loop. Certainly north of St. Louis. And we all know what December is like here. Or, what it was like before global warming set in. Anyway, He wasn’t born in December. The most likely date appears to be March 6th. Which means Jesus was, most likely, a Pisces. According to astrologist Brian Palenske that means that Jesus “(was) very creative, and, thanks to Venus, Pisces’ exalted planet, (would) seem to be talented at some form of artistry whether or not (he pursued) it as a profession. It’s very important for (a Pisces) to express themselves, and they love doing it with style. Even in their wardrobe they tend to be very original; it’s difficult for anyone born under Pisces to just be part of the crowd.” Well, that explains the white robe thing, doesn’t it? And if the whole loaves and fishes thing doesn’t scream “doing it with style” I don’t know what does. Okay, now that we have that out of the way, lets take a look at Danny Gallager’s list of stuff you probably didn’t know. Well, unless you’re a regular reader here, then you know most of this stuff. But, since we seem to have a bunch of new folks, let’s get them up to speed.
Christmas is full of familiar traditions: carving the ham, leaving cookies out for Santa, listening to Uncle Morty talk about his gall bladder removal surgery while you’re trying to enjoy some egg nog. These staples had to come from somewhere, and since Christmas offers a mix of religious and secular traditions, their origins are just as mixed and varied. Everything from the Christmas tree to the marshmallows on Grandma’s yams got their start somewhere, and many have surprising stories. Take a look at a few things you might not know about Christmas below.
1 Santa Claus’ look wasn’t created by Coca-Cola The internet age has given rise to a lot of silly, unfounded rumors about everything from Walt Disney having his head frozen to Tommy Hilfiger proclaiming on television that he didn’t want minorities wearing his clothes. Even Santa has fallen victim to this scam, despite the fact that he’s technically a non-profit. Some have claimed that Coca-Cola’s iconic portrait of Santa has shaped the way we describe him to children. In reality, he’s actually more of an “evolutionary figure” whose look has been shaped by writers, artists and even historians. Images of the familiar bearded fat man in a red suit appeared in magazines, posters and ads long before Coke’s jolly portrayal of Saint Nick.
2 The New York Knickerbockers (the writers, not the basketball team) helped create the modern American Santa The biggest influence on Santa’s modern look and demeanor came more from a popular group of writers who drew inspiration from an Episcopalian saint. The Knickerbockers of New York wanted to reintroduce Saint Nicholas to society to provide a “cultural counterweight for the commercial bustle and democratic misrule of early nineteenth century New York.” Contributors to the Saint Nicholas project included ‘The Legend of Sleepy Hollow’ author Washington Irving, who wrote a Christmas story about giving and generosity for his fictional ‘Bracebridge Hall’ series in which he described Santa as a large man in a red suit smoking his favorite pipe. Clement Clarke Moore, a contemporary of Irving’s, was inspired by this depiction of Santa for his ‘A Visit from St. Nicholas’ poem, in which he also described the traditional Santa we know today.
3 Clement Clarke Moore didn’t want ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas’ published Also known as ‘A Visit From St. Nicholas,’ the famous Christmas poem that practically invented the modern concept of Santa almost stayed in the drawer. Moore, a 19th century author and classics professor, wrote the poem for his family to celebrate Christmas in 1922, allegedly drawing inspiration for Santa from a pudgy Dutch driver who took his family on a sleigh ride. But Moore never intended for it to be made public. In fact, a close friend of Moore’s actually sent the poem to the Sentinel newspaper, where it was published anonymously. The writer felt the poem was beneath his talents, and when it was published and became a huge hit, he denied authoring it for nearly 15 years. (It was eventually included in an anthology of Moore’s work thanks to the urging of his kids.)
4 Santa didn’t always have a beard Of course, Moore and company weren’t responsible for inventing Santa, just enhancing his image. According to the book ‘One Night Stands with American History,’ 17th century Dutch settlers brought the jolly fat man to America’s shores and their image of Santa was “tall, slender and very dignified” without his trademark beard. (He was based on the traditional Dutch winter figure Sinterklaas.) Artist and political cartoonist Thomas Nast added the beard and the rotund figure in the pages of ‘Harper’s Weekly’ during the latter part of the 19th century.
5 NORAD’s “Santa Tracker” started from an error in a newspaper ad The legend of Santa’s infamous sleigh ride was also perpetuated from a newspaper, but it wasn’t done intentionally. Back in 1955, a Sears ad printed the phone number of a Colorado Springs store so children could tell Santa Claus what they wanted for Christmas. The number was a misprint and instead sent children to the hotline for Colonel Harry Shoup, Director of Operations for the US Continental Air Defense. The calls poured in and instead of blocking the number, the kindly Colonel ordered his staff to give children updates on Santa’s flight coordinates. The tradition has continued to this very day on the local news, the internet and with a special “NORAD Tracks Santa” iPhone app.
6 Santa’s sleigh doesn’t travel at the speed of light Despite what you might think about Santa’s ability to visit every good boy and girl’s home in the world in one night (and if you’re over the age of 10 and still scratching your head about it, you might want to evaluate your priorities), it’s not as astronomical of a feat as you might think. Technically, Santa would have 34 hours to complete his task thanks to the International Date Line and, according to the U.S. Department of Energy’s “Fermilab,” his sleigh would only have to travel at 99.999999% of the speed of light assuming he only visits 800 million houses over the entire surface area of the Earth.
7 Santa has a real postal zip code Every year, post offices across America, Canada and other parts of the world are flooded with letters from kids addressed to Santa Claus. The Canadian Post Office receives so many that some postal workers started answering the letters. As the demand increased, the postal service set up a special zip code for Santa as part of their annual “Santa Letter-writing Program” literacy initiative. The zip code? H0H 0H0, of course.
8 Santa is the world’s richest man He may not be in the gift giving business for the big bucks, but Santa still needs money to keep his operation rolling. (And to pay for the elves’ dental plan. Those elf unions are ruthless.) Thankfully, Santa’s wealth surpasses even Scrooge McDuck’s money bin. Forbes compiled a list of the world’s richest fictional people and St. Nick topped it with a net worth of infinity. This beats the world’s current net worth record holder, Mexican investor Carlos Slim Helu, who only topped out at a measly $74 billion. No wonder Santa’s so jolly.
9 Donner and Blitzen weren’t originally part of Santa’s reindeer The reindeer that take Santa on his trip also underwent some rebranding through history. In the original draft of ‘A Visit from St. Nicholas,’ Donner and Blitzen went by the far clunkier monikers “Dunder” and “Blixem.” The names, much like Santa, were taken from the Dutch oath for the words that mean “thunder and lightning.” Over time, editors tinkered with the reindeer names we are familiar with today. After all, it’s pretty hard to think of Rudolph as the outcast reindeer when he’s on a team with a guy named “Dunder.”
10 ‘Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer’ was created as a promotion for Montgomery Ward Speaking of Rudolph, the most famous of Santa’s reindeer came to life as part of a commercial promotion. His first appearance was in a story written in 1939 by ad copywriter Robert L. May that was published in a Montgomery Ward department store promotional booklet given out to children visiting Santa. Since Rudolph was created for Montgomery Ward, the department store owned the copyright and May received no royalties after it became a huge success. Sadly, May almost went bankrupt paying for his ailing wife’s medical bills before finally convincing Montgomery Ward to give him the rights to the plucky reindeer. Rudolph became an even bigger success when May set the story to music with the help of his songwriter brother-in-law Johnny Marks. A famous rendition recorded by Gene Autry became one of the best-selling Christmas songs of all time, selling more than two million copies.
11 Jesus Christ wasn’t born on December 25 The Christian celebration of Christmas is meant to praise the birth of Jesus Christ, but churchgoers might want to check the date before they wrap up a fruit cake and put a bow on it for Our Lord and Savior. In fact, early theologians put Jesus’ birthday all over the calendar, from November 18th by one Alexandrian bishop to March 28th by the anonymous “De Pascha Computus” document found in North Africa. The truth is that the Bible doesn’t specify a date or time of Jesus’ birth. Dec. 25th was chosen in the fourth century, most likely because it was also the day of two similar pagan holidays that influenced the formation of Christmas– the birthday of Mithra and the Feast of Saturnalia.
12 St. Nicholas is more than just the patron saint of children The man who inspired Santa and practically the entire Christmas holiday may portray the beauty of giving and helping children in need, but Catholics in seven countries recognize him as much more than just the patron saint of kids. According to legend, the real Saint Nicholas did such good deeds as giving money to a man’s daughters so they could avoid a life of prostitution and rescuing three children from a crazy butcher. The book ‘Saints Preserved: An Encyclopedia of Relics,’ also reveals that jolly ol’ St. Nick is also the patron saint of unmarried women, prisoners, thieves and pawnbrokers. (Apparently Santa’s “naughty or nice” list was a bit more flexible back in the day.)
13 ‘Xmas’ doesn’t remove Christ from ‘Christmas’ Many publications and ads like to print the innocuous sounding ‘Xmas’ to prevent them from scaring away any non-Christian customers. But if they knew the true origin for the word, they’d probably opt for the full version and call it a day. According to ‘From Adam’s Apple to Xmas: An Essential Vocabulary Guide for the Politically Correct,’ the word “Christianity” was spelled “Xianity” as far back as 1100 as a symbolic syllable for “Christ.” The syllable became ‘X’temmas’ in 1551 and was eventually shortened to “Xmas.”
14 Massachusetts Puritans actually banned Christmas by law Cable news networks love to roll out stories about the never-ending “War on Christmas” by showing how businesses and governments are trying to be politically correct by referring to the Christmas season as “the holidays.” But there was one group who nearly did what The Grinch failed to accomplish — they stopped Christmas from coming. The early American Puritans of Massachusetts enacted a law in 1659 that made it illegal to celebrate Christmas since Puritans didn’t believe it to be the true date of their savior’s birth. The law carried a punishment of five shillings.
15 ‘Jingle Bells’ was written for Thanksgiving, not Christmas It’s hard to go more than five minutes without hearing the familiar tune of ‘Jingle Bells’ running through your head during the month of December. The truth is that you should have been hearing it in November. According to Menta_Floss Magazine, composer James Lord Pierpont wrote the song in the 1850s to play for his Boston Sunday school class during Thanksgiving as a way to commemorate the famed Medford sleigh races. Kids and adults loved the song and eventually changed the lyrics to fit Christmas. No word on whether the original lyrics contained the line, “Dashing through the snow, in a one-turkey open sleigh.”
16 The man who wrote the melody for ‘O Holy Night’ was Jewish While the Christmas classic ‘O Holy Night’ may have heavy Christian overtones, one of the men who brought it to fruition and helped spread its popularity was actually a member of the Jewish faith. The lyrics for the song were written in 1847 by Placide Cappeau de Roquemaure in France after a parish priest asked him to pen a song for his Christmas mass. The wine merchant wasn’t a noted churchgoer, but he was a poet of some renown and was happy to help with a tune. ‘Cantique de Noel’ needed a melody and he turned to his friend, composer Adolphe Charles Adams who wrote operas and became famous for his ballet interpretation of ‘Faust.’ The song became a hit with the church, but when leaders discovered Adams’ Jewish faith, they denounced the song and deemed it unfit for its “total absence of the spirit of religion.”
17 Mistletoe was once believed to be an aphrodisiac Everyone hopes they’ll be able to steal a kiss from underneath this staple of holiday flora, but some hoped it would help them get a whole lot more. The poisonous fruit bearing plant has long been a symbol of virility and fertility, but the Druids actually believed it worked as a physical aphrodisiac. The spirited use of the plant gathered during the winter solstice eventually led to the kissing tradition that continues to make drunken office holiday parties extremely awkward the world over.
18 “Mistletoe” has a strange meaning in the Germanic language Of course, if you knew what the name “mistletoe” actually meant, you’d be less inclined to stand under it. The quasi-parasitic plant has a “symbiotic relationship” with a bird called the mistle thrush. The bird eats the berries, digests the seeds and then leaves droppings which eventually grow into new mistletoe plants. Which explains why the Germanic word for “mistletoe” literally means “dung on a twig.”
19 Buying the gifts from the ’12 Days of Christmas’ will cost you Sure, things like “Lords ‘a leaping” and “maids ‘a milking” might not sound like the most exciting gifts once could receive. But if you knew the price tag, you’d immediately regret the lousy gift cards you got for your loved ones. Every year around the holidays, PNC Wealth Management calculates the costs of the gifts in the song. The price index for the gifts in the ’12 Days of Christmas’ went from $12,673 in 1984 to more than $24,000 for 2011. The most expensive gift is the “Swans ‘a swimming,” valued this year at $6,300. That’s not including the medical bills you’d incur trying to wrangle said swans.
20 One of the first commercially sold artificial Christmas trees was made from toilet brushes Artificial Christmas trees might be seen as tacky, modern takes on the classic Douglas-fir, but they are actually much older than you might think. The oldest fake trees date back to 1886 in London and were made out of green raffia, the twine that is more commonly used to make grass hula skirts. Other varieties were made in the latter part of the 19th century in Germany and used tabletop feathers from geese that were dyed pine-green. Then the Addis Brush Company used their toilet brush weaving machinery to create pine-like branches for their fake Christmas trees. They were less flammable, held heavier decorations and could make your toilet bowl sparkling clean.
21 Candy canes used to be “pure white” Few things say Christmas more than those sugary sticks of red and white deliciousness. There was a time, however, when they weren’t red and white.(Although we imagine they were still pretty tasty.) The familiar Christmas treats started popping up around the 17th century as Europeans started using trees to celebrate the Christian holiday season and made special foods to decorate them with. Candy canes first appeared around 1670 when a cathedral choirmaster would hand out the all-white confections to children to keep them occupied during Christmas mass. While no one knows exactly who gave candy canes their stripes, one (unproven) theory has it that the “J” shape was once meant to stand for Jesus and the three stripes represent the Holy Trinity. (Red is meant to represent the blood of Christ. Chew over that the next time you bite into a tasty candy cane.)
22 Teddy Roosevelt banned Christmas trees at the White House Today, the White House’s annual Christmas tree lighting is a hallowed tradition. But try telling that to Teddy Roosevelt, who didn’t think the event was very majestic. In fact, he found it so infuriating that he enacted a total ban on putting up a tree in the White House during his term. In fact, in 1902, Roosevelt’s son Archie snuck his own Christmas tree into the house which he hid in a closet. Was the 26th President a Scrooge? Nope, just an avid outdoorsmen and conservationist who found deforestation revolting.
23 Jesus was actually born in a cave The familiar scene of a manger filled with animals as the baby Jesus enters the world pops up in front of every church even before Christmas has a chance to start. However, it’s more likely that Jesus came into the world from a cave. According to the gospel of Luke, the shepherds that helped find shelter for Mary to give birth kept their flock in a cave. The Church of the Nativity in Bethlehem is built over the cave (dubbed “The Grotto of the Nativity”) where Jesus is believed to have been born.
24 Christmas wasn’t an official holiday in America until 1870 The holiday might seem like an ancient tradition steeped in history, but it’s much younger than you might think. Christmas didn’t became an official federal holiday until June 26, 1870. The holiday mostly got its start in Pagan roots as an excuse for drunken revelry, which wasn’t appealing to the strict Christian Puritans. Early in America’s birth, some states started recognizing Christmas and a lobby started for a national holiday for Thanksgiving and Christmas to strengthen the nation’s unity.
25 Iceland has 13 Santas including one that kidnaps children If you thought making children believe in one Santa was hard enough, be thankful you don’t live in Iceland. Their Christmas tradition has 13 “Yuletide Lads” who either leave presents or pull pranks for children during the 26 day holiday season as a reward or punishment for their behavior. For instance, Grýla is a horrifying old woman who kidnaps children on Christmas if they have been naughty. Though technically that’s really more of a present for the parents.
Let’s not forget that Jolly Old St. Nick is the patron saint of lawyers in France and that the demon Krampus can steal and eat your children in Austria this holiday season.
In case you wondered what people have against France and Austria, now you know.
