Today, they removed both rows of staples from my hip, and I felt bad for the staff. Both the doctor and her assistant are not only smart and degreed, they are both pretty young women who deserved better than to yank hunks of metal out of my flabby old ass.
In the meantime,I have been working with Forhad Israfil, a/k/a Forhad Motions, and we released our first video teaser this week. What’s cool about working with new people is seeing what they think is important. In this case, Forhad wanted to focus on the Cybers from Goptri of the Mists since I had focused so much on the organic creations already. When you click that link, you’ll see the result is a spot-on look at some important characters that I tended to shuffle to the side.
Yes, the pic below features human girls. Their names are, left to right, Cassie and Anne. Whether they are really at a beach party somewhere warm or naked in their kitchen using one of those new cell phone apps to create a background, I couldn’t tell you. I can tell you that Cassie ordered that shirt featuring Pearl from Goptri of the Mists the day it came out because, and I quote, “Squid girl makes me hot.”
As squid girls do from time to time.
Bonus? The Pearls, a/k/a Squid Girls, aren’t just mutants, they’re clones!
Last week I posted an update on my progress with the new books. Nothing much has changed, but if you missed it, here it is again. I am down to the last 6,000 words or so for Darkling.
The Darkling Wind will be in the hands of the editor around Valentine’s day, and The Plato Wars is on pace to hit this summer. While Darkling is a stand-alone story, Plato rips you face-first back into The Brittle Riders universe. And, finally, just in time for the holidays, you get to meet Edward Q. Rohta and his merry band of hedonistic sycophants, who will bring about the end of all things, as far as humans are concerned, in the gen-O-pod(™) Wars.
The Darkling Wind – As diplomats, military officials, religious zealots, and desert spies race to understand what’s happening, the line between gift and weapon begins to blur. Is this benevolence from the stars – or a biological first strike wrapped in pheromones and pleasure? Satirical, outrageous, and deeply human, The Darkling Wind explores how society, aging, and power unravel when faced with a technology that bypasses logic and speaks directly to desire.
The Plato Wars – The Plato Wars take place in a world where philosophy has outlived humanity and become digitized and weaponized. The ultimate cybernetic goal, a unified global interface, has been created, and its name is Plato. Ideals once debated in lecture halls are now enforced through territory, and war, as rival factions interpret ancient philosophies as doctrine, destiny, or justification for conquest. As tensions escalate, alliances fracture along ideological lines rather than species or geography. What begins as localized conflict soon expands into a global struggle, where the question is no longer who or what deserves to rule, but whether the ideas guiding this rule were ever meant to survive contact with reality. In a world programmed into Plato which has been shaped by inherited dogma and living consequences, The Plato Wars explores how belief hardens into law, law into violence, and whether any society can escape the shadow of the thinkers who imagined it.
the gen-O-pod(™) Wars – Earth’s alien guests, The Sominids, proved that faster-than-light travel was a myth. One that made civilizations rise and fall. After they accidentally split the moon in half and killed most of the settlers there, they left. Denied AI thanks to The Plato Wars and denied the stars thanks to science, humanity started to fade away. Into this slurry of dismay came Edward Q. Rohta. He created chimeras he called gen-O-pods(™) that people could fuck, kill, or do whatever they wanted with. Humans were proud again. Proven rulers of all they surveyed. Until the chimeras rose up and killed every man, woman, and child on the planet. This is their story.
That’s enough for now. I don’t want you to over exert yourself. Have a day twice as wonderful as you.
Back on Mother’s Day in 2021, our car got into a minor kerfuffle with another car. No one was hurt, the other people were nice and helpful, and anyone who works at Echelon Insurance can burn in hell – moving on. The nice responders asked me if I was injured. Since I had all my limbs and wasn’t bleeding, I said I was fine. We had a Mother’s Day event to go to, and I heal like Wolverine 99 times out of 100.
As it turned out, I lied. By the time we got home, my right knee was the size of a healthy melon. I figured I’d rub some dirt on it and be fine. Well, I wasn’t. By the time I saw my orthopedic surgeon, X-rays showed that my knee cap had been split and healed, and that my hip was going through some stuff. Part of it from the accident, and part of it due to my arthritis. Not enough for it to join an Emo band, but it was worrisome.
Worrisome enough that my doctor petitioned my insurance to have it replaced. They said no. And thus began my journey into pain killers, agony specialists, yes, they exist, not just in medieval dungeons, pain so severe I ended up getting help from a mental health professional, you’d like her, and my mobility kept decreasing.
Flash forward four years.
In the fall of 2025, my pain doc took an X-ray of my hip (you can see it below) and noted that I was nearing 0% usuable bone in that location. Three of my docs, Ortho #1, PCP, and Agony Man, coordinated their efforts and found me a guy whose waiting list has a waiting list. When he saw the X-ray, he assumed amateurs had made a mistake. So he called me in, took twenty-five images, and rendered his judgment.
“This is the worst I’ve ever seen.”
Agonizingly long story short(er), on Thursday morning, I go in to get a new hip joint, a new hip socket, and half a pelvis. If you have half a prayer to spare, I’d appreciate part of it being aimed my way.
The nice thing about being an invalid is having time to write. And, thanks to them finally taking away my blood pressure medicines – yeah, way too many – I am once again the heat-seeking sci-fi stud your therapist warned you about.
So, here we go.
The Darkling Wind will be in the hands of the editor around Valentine’s day, and The Plato Wars is on pace to hit this summer. While Darkling is a stand-alone story, Plato rips you face-first back into The Brittle Riders universe. And, finally, just in time for the holidays, you get to meet Edward Q. Rohta and his merry band of hedonistic sycophants, who will bring about the end of all things, as far as humans are concerned, in the gen-O-pod(™) Wars.
The Darkling Wind – As diplomats, military officials, religious zealots, and desert spies race to understand what’s happening, the line between gift and weapon begins to blur. Is this benevolence from the stars – or a biological first strike wrapped in pheromones and pleasure? Satirical, outrageous, and deeply human, The Darkling Wind explores how society, aging, and power unravel when faced with a technology that bypasses logic and speaks directly to desire.
The Plato Wars – The Plato Wars take place in a world where philosophy has outlived humanity and become digitized and weaponized. The ultimate cybernetic goal, a unified global interface, has been created, and its name is Plato. Ideals once debated in lecture halls are now enforced through territory, and war, as rival factions interpret ancient philosophies as doctrine, destiny, or justification for conquest. As tensions escalate, alliances fracture along ideological lines rather than species or geography. What begins as localized conflict soon expands into a global struggle, where the question is no longer who or what deserves to rule, but whether the ideas guiding this rule were ever meant to survive contact with reality. In a world programmed into Plato which has been shaped by inherited dogma and living consequences, The Plato Wars explores how belief hardens into law, law into violence, and whether any society can escape the shadow of the thinkers who imagined it.
the gen-O-pod(™) Wars – Earth’s alien guests, The Sominids, proved that faster-than-light travel was a myth. One that made civilizations rise and fall. After they accidentally split the moon in half and killed most of the settlers there, they left. Denied AI thanks to The Plato Wars and denied the stars thanks to science, humanity started to fade away. Into this slurry of dismay came Edward Q. Rohta. He created chimeras he called gen-O-pods(™) that people could fuck, kill, or do whatever they wanted with. Humans were proud again. Proven rulers of all they surveyed. Until the chimeras rose up and killed every man, woman, and child on the planet. This is their story.
Oh, wow, will you look at the time? That’s enough of me. Go back and enjoy the real world. Until we do this again, remember you are wonderful.
I swore on a bag of monkeys that I was done with anything to do with The Brittle Riders and its darker and odder cousin, Goptri of the Mists. Well, I lied to those monkeys. I can hear their disappointed howls still. Let me tell you how all this happened. I, like lots of older people who did copious amounts of drugs and toured the world with musicians, suffered from high blood pressure. So I took medicine for that. Then some stuff happened, I took many tests – PERSON/MAN/WOMAN/CAMERA/TV – and a medical professional who is far smarter than me noticed that one set of meds was killing my kidneys, and the meds helping my kidneys were killing my heart. So we tossed them all into the flaming dumpster I keep for situations like this, and, suddenly, I was nineteen again. With all that implies.
That also meant, ideas I’d long discarded started bitch-slapping me until I surrendered. Obviously, I have to focus this energy somewhere, and since I can barely walk at the moment (solution imminent), I figured I’d write. That means, you, and only you, will soon have not one, not two, but THREEEEE new McSciFi masterpieces to nurture the darker parts of your soul.
And, if you think that’s awesome wrapped in sauce, wait until you discover what they are. First, the gen-O-pod(™) Wars a/k/a the story of how Edward Q. Rohta (the dude in the middle on the altar below) brought about the end of all human life. The second is The Plato Wars; the whimsical tale of how humans turned their dignity and future over to an AI named Plato and what it did with them. Do not expect a happy ending. Lastly, you can nibble on the succulence of The Darkling Wind. A UFO story unlike anything you’ve ever read.
gen-O-pod(™) Wars – Before the time of the chimeras, there was the time of hubris. One man set out to prove there was no God but him, and a planet laden with ennui and lacking direction, believed him. He set about ridding the world of anything he felt was a genetic mistake and replacing them with his creations.
The Plato Wars – Once upon a time in the future, mankind created a way to consolidate all the world’s digital creations, from simple internets to personal AIs, into one cohesive machine. They spent a century assuring every safeguard imaginable had been erected, and then introduced the world to Plato.
The Darkling Wind – Alien disks descend upon Earth, they don’t bring war – they bring unrelenting desire. As the world’s elders experience miraculous rejuvenation and libido surges, global governments scramble to contain the phenomenon.
Part of me feels like it got visited by those disks in The Darkling Wind. Just FYI, that book has nothing to do with The Brittle Riders, et al. This way, your brain has a break in the nonstop action if needed.
Also, don’t worry, when the books get finished, we’ll hire real artists to do the covers. These are just for funsies.
You’ve been a lovely audience, but my wife refuses to take you home with us. So, until next time, stay safe and sane.
I know, I know, you’re reading the title of today’s blog and asking yourself, “Well, gee, what could possibly go wrong?” The answer, my cynical friend, is ‘nothing.’
The North American Aerospace Defense Command, which is inexplicably given the acronym NORAD, coordinates the Canadian and American air forces and nuclear weapons. They worked through the Cold War to keep North America safe from Soviet military threats. They provided our allies with a seriously powerful tool to help maintain peace. And if the Cold War was savagely lampooned in Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb, it was still taken seriously by millions of people who built fallout shelters in their backyards, stocked up on foodstuffs, and, essentially, prepared for the impending holocaust.
Obviously, these men and women were under a lot of pressure. To help relieve that, in 1955, they began using the technology available to them to not only protect our borders but to track Santa and provide national news networks with updates that they could pass along to children of all ages.
As technology progressed, NORAD began putting their Santa Tracker online so that anyone in the world could follow along. It’s a great site for kids, so make sure to bookmark it.
Now, Andrew Hough, of The Telegraph UK, reports this has become one of the most popular websites in the world.
The North American Aerospace Defense Command (NORAD) has employed all its hi-tech equipment to follow Father Christmas as he, and his reindeer, travel the globe delivering presents.
Since its development three years ago, the Norad Father Christmas Tracker has become an internet sensation with close to a two billion hits.
Children can track Father Christmas through social networking sites including Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, Flickr, and TroopTube.
His progress can also be tracked with three dimensional “Father Christmas Cams”. Google will use its mapping service to give up-to-the-date analysis on where he is. This year will include streaming video of his journey for the first time.
“There are a lot of people who follow this in different ways,” said Lt. Desmond James, a public affairs officer with NORAD, which is also responsible for defending the US and Canada from incoming nuclear missiles.
Staff answer almost 100,000 phone calls and receive more than 140,000 emails from families around the world.
Father Christmas started his journey at 0900 GMT from his base at the North Pole. According to NORAD, Father Christmas usually starts at the International Date Line in the Pacific Ocean and travels west.
He generally visits the South Pacific first, then New Zealand and Australia, before heading to Japan, the rest of Asia, Africa, Western Europe, Canada, the United States, Mexico before finishing in Central and South America.
“But keep in mind, Santa’s route can be affected by weather, so it’s really unpredictable,” a NORAD spokesman said.
“NORAD coordinates with Santa’s Elf launch staff to confirm his launch time, but from that point on, Father Christmas calls the shots. We just track him.”
Norad claim they employ radar and satellites to track the infrared signal given off by Rudolph’s nose.
“NORAD tracks Father Christmas, but only Father Christmas knows his route, which means we cannot predict where and when he will arrive at your house,” he said.
“We do, however, know from history that it appears he arrives only when children are asleep.
“In most countries, it seems Father Christmas arrives between 9:00pm and midnight on December 24th. If children are still awake when Father Christmas arrives, he moves on to other houses. He returns later … but only when the children are asleep.”
The tradition dates back to 1955 when a Colorado Springs store ran an advertisement encouraging local children to call a special telephone hot line.
A printing error meant that the phone number for the Director of Operations at Continental Air Defense Command (CONAD) was published instead, leading to the centre being inundated by calls from excited youngsters.
The head of the CONAD, which later became NORAD, instructed his staff to give the children updates on Santa’s position and the tradition was born.
They now offer the service to children around the world via a google earth map, providing the information in seven languages including English, Spanish and Chinese.
Col. John Bartholf, a commander with the New York Air National Guardsmen from the Eastern Air Defense Sector (EADS) added: “I can assure everyone that EADS will do everything in its power to assist Father Christmas with this critical mission.”
EADS’ Sector Operations Control Center (SOCC) will monitor Father Christmas constantly as he delivers toys and gifts.
What’s that? You’re laughing at all this? You don’t believe in Santa Claus? You think this is all just a giant waste of resources?
You’re a doofus.
No less venerable a source than the 1897 New York Sun let its most veteran newsman, Francis Pharcellus Church, respond to one of the most famous letters in the history of journalism.
“DEAR EDITOR: I am 8 years old. “Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. “Papa says, ‘If you see it in THE SUN it’s so.’ “Please tell me the truth; is there a Santa Claus?
“VIRGINIA O’HANLON. “115 WEST NINETY-FIFTH STREET.”
Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men’s or children’s, are little. In this great universe of ours man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.
Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus. It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginias. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The eternal light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.
Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies! You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas Eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if they did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that’s no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.
You may tear apart the baby’s rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived, could tear apart. Only faith, fancy, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.
No Santa Claus! Thank God! he lives, and he lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.
In keeping with my inadvertent Christmas theme, I thought I’d take a minute to talk about some of the time-honored traditions that make people feel good this time of year. While many folks are stunned when they find out that baby Jesus wasn’t born under a glowing pine tree and there’s not one single mention of the little drummer boy anywhere in the Gospels (neither synoptic nor gnostic), the stories still live on.
One tradition has become a staple of the holiday season: caroling. Or, to be more historically accurate, wassailing. Now, speaking as an Irish cliché, this is one tradition I understand. Like all well-conceived ideas, this one was spawned by drunks with rocks. Nothing says “Happy Holidays!” to me more than the thought of staggering by people’s homes and demanding booze. Let the kids keep the watered-down version of candy and costumes for Halloween, I’m sticking with the grown-ups and threatening anyone who doesn’t fill my cup.
Monica Garske from AOL News takes a joyous look at the history of caroling.
Christmas caroling has long been a favorite tradition of church groups, elderly choirs and children, but did you know that the first groups of carolers were nothing but a bunch of rowdy drunks?
That’s the tune from David McKillop, senior vice president of programming for the History Channel, who recently talked to AOL News about the network’s upcoming holiday special, “The Real Story of Christmas,” premiering Nov. 29 at 9 p.m. ET.
The TV special examines the surprising historical origins of our most bizarre Christmas customs, including why some of us go door to door singing holiday songs to any strangers who will listen.
McKillop said the origin of caroling dates back to the pagan celebration of the winter solstice, when Christmas was regarded as a festival of pure joy and drunken revelry. Oh, and prayer was involved somewhere in there too.
According to McKillop, groups of poor medieval carolers would go around to houses singing and begging for food and drinks, threatening to throw rocks through the windows of anyone who refused to give them a handout.
They literally “went medieval” on people.
“They would get very, very rowdy. Eventually, the drunken revelry got too out of hand, and Christmas was banned for years in America in the 16th and 17th centuries,” explained McKillop.
Sheesh. Sounds like an episode of “Carolers Gone Wild.” If you don’t open your door to singing strangers this year, no one will blame you.
McKillop said those same ancient winter-solstice celebrations — which usually lasted 12 days — gave rise to the tradition of burning a yule log, often mentioned in classic Christmas songs.
“People would try to find the biggest log possible to burn in a fireplace, to keep the light and warmth going during the 12 days of the feast,” he said.
Another fun fact: Santa Claus wasn’t always so chummy and cheery. In fact, he was kind of a downer who ran with a bad crowd.
McKillop said the St. Nick of old European legend was said to be accompanied not by elves but by an impish little devil creature named “Krampus” who beat up and kidnapped naughty children.
“If kids were bad, Krampus would leave them bad gifts. I think that’s where the idea of giving people coal for Christmas first sprouted. That Krampus was mean,” said McKillop.
Garske and McKillop take a look at quite a few other traditions, so make sure to read the whole article.
So, this holiday season, when you’re hanging with a sexy, little, elf, drinking yourself into oblivion and trying to convince all who are unfortunate enough to listen that you’re really a tenor, just remember that you’re honoring a centuries-old custom.
And if anyone doesn’t like it, throw a rock at them.
Originally published November 2010 on the old Nude Hippo website.
There are around forty religious holidays between Thanksgiving and Epiphany. So, go ahead, wish everyone a Happy Holiday and you’re bound to be getting at least one of them right. Anywho, this will be my last newsletter of the year. Experience has taught that, like kids on a sugar rush, everyone is too preoccupied with holidays, family, and a burning desire to stay drunk and hope Uncle Harold doesn’t try to explain “the real world” to your kids.
A couple of updates for those of you who’ve been here a while, and then fun stuff for all the new people who showed up wondering if I need lithium. First, I ripped about a hundred pages out of The Darkling Wind since I found them trite and predictable. Don’t worry, you won’t be the first to say, “But McSciFi, that’s what people want.” I am not people.
Second, I made my publisher cry. I had sworn on a plate of holy grits that I was done with The Brittle Riders universe. That trilogy, plus the Goptri of the Mists trilogy, accounts for just under 3/4 of a million words dedicated to the death of all you know and all that followed.
I lied. As you can see from the graphic at the bottom, I am breathing life into The Plato Wars, a story referenced in The Brittle Riders & Goptri of the Mists as the reason AI was outlawed. It is set in our future, a planet without countries. Just one world and its subsections. In other words, you can still go to Paris, it’s just that France is a region now and not a country. Flesh in this time is just another fashion accessory, and violence is unheard of.
Long story short, the people in the story fuck that up royally.
For those of you who are new, welcome. A human on LinkedIn called The Brittle Riders universe “Star Wars for functioning adults.” That works. If you click THIS LINK, you’ll be taken to a page that has four videos. They are all short, under two minutes, and designed to be viewed on large screens with good sound. At the top of the page is a menu that will take you to a wide variety of ancillary materials you can enjoy.
For now, I thank all who have stayed on this journey, welcome all who have joined, and wish each and every one of you a joyful and safe holiday season.
Back in 2012 I wrote a fun little blog about Holiday films everyone needed to see. Most people will point you to the classics like Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, a fun story which reminds children that they’re all useless and will be shunned until they provide a service to their overlords, Santa Claus is Coming to Town, which seems like a pedophile’s wet dream today but was actually very sweet when it was first released (and is still a personal fave of mine since I’m not a pervert – well, not that kind of pervert), Frosty the Snowman, a fun story that reminds kids how much fun it can be to hop a freight train with a stranger, and, of course, A Christmas Story, the first holiday special to ever feature bad lingerie and guns. Certainly there are others, like It’s a Wonderful Life to Die Hard, for the older viewers who need chronic depression and death with their holiday.
But the list I created had nothing to do with any of them. Any third rate blog could cough them up. No, my list is for those among you who are connoisseurs of cinema. Who are willing to experiment with your palate. For those who might prefer a moment off the beaten path.
You know who you are.
Merry Christmas!
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By now you’ve opened the gifts, had your Christmas breakfast and settled in for another year of holiday entertainment. At least until the NBA takes over your TV. This is truly a magical time. The toys haven’t been broken yet. Uncle Ned is still mostly sober. Aunt Edna, still aglow from the kisses from the kids, has yet to begin her annual screed about what a failure you are. Cousin Tony seems to have taken his meds today so that’s one less thing to worry about. As I said, it’s a magical time. But you and I know that if you have to watch A Christmas Story or Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer one more time it is quite possible that you will react badly. Not to worry, it is exactly moments like this that the World News Center was designed to address. Well, these and stripper based funerals. Below you will find an alphabetical list of 11 movies, because Top 10 lists are for amateurs, that will brighten up your day.
Babes in Toyland All you need to know about this super-happy film, beyond the songs, toy soldiers and dancing puppets, is the super-happy story line. “On the eve of their wedding, evil miser Barnaby hires two henchmen to drown Tom and steal Mary’s sheep, cared for by Little Bo Peep, thus depriving Mary and the children she lives with of their livelihood, forcing her to marry Barnaby.” Kind of makes you misty, doesn’t it? Your kids will be in therapy for decades.
Christmas that Almost Wasn’t (The) “It is the week before Christmas, and Santa Claus visits attorney Sam Whipple, asking for his help. It turns out that the evil businessman Phineas T. Prune holds the lease on the North Pole, and is about to kick Santa out for nonpayment of rent! As such, there will be no more Christmas!” It is never explained why Santa needed the cash and took a mortgage on the North Pole and Phineas T. Prune is so over the top evil, right down to his mustache, you’ll forget to worry about it. The film has every Christmas cliche, including the bad guy who falls in love with a toy, so it may be the only Christmas movie you’ll ever need to see.
Ernest Saves Christmas Oh, this is a joyful mess. Santa goes to jail because this guy (a children’s show host) thinks his name is Santos, no racism there, and Ernest loses his job for giving a free ride to Santa and Santa seems to suffer from Alzheimer’s. Nothing like creeping dementia to make your holiday joyous. Plot points include this heart warming gem; “Ernest and Harmony (whose real name is later revealed by Santa to be Pamela Trenton) discover the magic power of Santa’s sack, and immediately Pamela starts to abuse it. She steals the sack, and attempts to run away yet again.” Santa’s magical sack is clearly different than mine.
Eight Crazy Nights Yeah, it’s a Hanukkah movie, so what? A plate of latkes warm the tummy no matter your religion. And it’s Adam Sandler, that master of subtlety and gentle wit. Doesn’t this plot just scream ‘group hug’? “Davey Stone, an alcoholic with a criminal record, is sentenced to community service under the supervision of an elderly referee. Davey is then faced with trying to reform and abandon his bad habits.” The special part are the songs, all of which sound like they were written by an inmate with anger issues.
Fitzwilly This movie has everything you could possibly want in a holiday movie. Dick Van Dyke had yet to join A.A. and he is clearly drunk in this film. Add in a soundtrack that was obviously mailed in after a month-long bender by John Williams, who would later redeem himself with that whole Star Wars thing, and you have oodles of family fun. But wait! There’s More! There’s a plot too; “Claude Fitzwilliam, leads the household staff to rob from various businesses by charging goods to various wealthy people and misdirecting the shipments, all to keep Miss Vicki’s standard of living.” Gosh, it’s like every role model you want for your kids in one film.
Fred Claus “A garrulous hustler running from the emotional fallout of the ultimate sibling rivalry, poor Fred keeps trying to find happiness through one failed scheme after another, pushing away the people who care about him most.” This movie is so grandly contrived that you can pick out what will happen next in every single scene. It even has Santa’s boss. You might be forgiven for thinking that Santa doesn’t have a boss, but Kevin Spacey exists to prove you wrong. Not for anything else that I can see, but there you are.
Great Rupert (The) Forget the plot on this one I’ll tell you all you need to know. This film has a magic squirrel, Jimmy Durante doing barroom versions of Christmas carols and lots of plucky poor people. Oh, and it has a dude who talks to the magic squirrel and plays a concertina too. Did I mention that the magic squirrel steals money from their landlord so the family can eat and pay rent to the landlord the squirrel just stole from? No? I probably should have. Lots of feel good stuff here.
Polar Express “On Christmas Eve, a doubting boy boards a magical train that’s headed to the North Pole and Santa Claus’s home.” Oh, that only scratches the surface. This movie has Tom Hanks in full on schizophrenic mode. All of the adult male characters are played by Hanks. So we get him as a condescending prick who doubles as a train conductor and as a drunken hobo. The kids in the film are subjected to horror after horror, all needlessly, until they succumb and believe in Santa again. The films modernized version of rotoscoping gives it a nightmare feel. It is a must see film in my home.
Santa Claus (1959) What can I say about this masterpiece? Shot in Mexico and dubbed into English it takes the myth of Santa to logical, if unusual, conclusions. Santa knows if you’ve been bad or good because he has a telescope in his space station (what do you mean you never heard of Santa’s space station?) and he peeps into bedrooms. This classic features Santa versus Satan for control of the holiday. Satan, the bad guy in the red suit, tries to turn kids against the holiday by giving them stark nightmares where they are attacked, and possibly eaten, by their dolls. The plot line doesn’t do this work of art justice, “With the aid of Merlin, Santa Claus must defeat the evil machinations of the devil Pitch to ruin Xmas.” The whole Merlin thing is never explained and, by the end, you just won’t care.
Santa Claus Conquers The Martians This incredible film used to be an annual staple on WGN until someone sobered up. There’s just not enough space to capture everything worth seeing but here’s a start; the Martians come to Earth to kidnap Santa so their kids, who are suffering from planetary depression, can learn to laugh and play like earth kids. The Martians have technology that could lay our planet to waste but they keep forgetting to use it. So, they are immediately discovered by the U.S. Department of Defense and are forced to land and hide. On an on it goes. Add in the fact that Santa smokes and his wife is a controlling bitch and you have holiday magic. The opening theme song is so bad as to sound as if it were imported from a Jap/Pop satire. The fact that this was Pia Zadora’s big screen debut is only a minor bonus. And, no, she couldn’t act then either.
Year Without Santa Claus “Mrs. Claus tells us about the time Santa had a bad cold and decided to take a vacation from Christmas. Two of his elves, Jingle Bells and Jangle Bells decided to go out (with Vixen) to find children to convince Santa that the Christmas spirit is still important to everybody else. But they have to get past Heat Miser and Snow Miser, first, before they land in Southtown, USA, where it never snows for Christmas. But the Miser Brothers can’t agree to let it snow in Southtown. But Mrs. Santa knows their mom–Mother Nature.” The songs by the Miser brothers alone make this a must see but the Santa themed jail break in Southtown make this must see TV on an epic scale. Also it is the first clearly feminist Christmas film. Mrs. Claus and Mama Nature don’t take no guff, no sirree bub I tell you what. A friend of mine claims this movie was written by a bitter lesbian, but I don’t think so. It has a weird sweetness that permeates throughout. Maybe a bitter lesbian who got a second date then.
So there you have it, 11 films to fill your holiday with heretofore unimagined joy. You can thank me later.
Before I forget, HAPPY BIRD DAY to all who celebrate.
One of the fun things about being me, as opposed to some corporate clunk who aspires to middle management, is that people interact with me on purpose. They ask questions, proffer suggestions, share stories, take pictures, and keep McSciFi-Land, still the McOddest Amusement Park going, entertaining.
While I do have some businessy type stuff I want to share, I honestly believe I would be remiss if I didn’t let you sample some McSciFi-related conversations. So, in no particular order, here are five worth reading.
#1, from one of my favorite lesbians concerning a promo-vid that accidentally became too racy for Social Media, “Morn dude. I’m not sure how to say this, but I have seen tits before and will again. As you know, Sharice lives the clothing optional life whenever she can. And you know from experience that she’s got some great knockers. But, damn, those pics gave me the damn tingles.”
#2, from a human I’ve never met and whose gender is unclear, “My daughter reads your books, and she likes them and tells her little friends about them. She wants me to take a picture of her holding your book. Does she have to be nude, or is topless okay?” FUCK NO! was my answer to all of that. If you scroll down you’re see no one is nude. That said, I have received some images that are not safe for work, and I always say thank you, whether or not I share them. But if you use the phrase “little friends” anywhere near your child, keep their damn clothes on. Cri-Yimminy!
#3, from an old friend who discovered sci-fi when he discovered me. Almost ten years later, he still likes both. His take on an ARC of Goptri of the Mists: Kitaab Teen, “Mothafukka, wat’s the fucking fuck wrong wit you? Purple lesbians with fifty fingers, robots that wanna fuck, making the nice snake lady discover glurp and turn into a horn dog, and that knife fight? Fucking seriously, man? I’m a fucking Seal and I know the technique you have that Queen use. Thanks for pointing out a majority of folks would be dead if they tried, but I want to know how you write timing, cause you did that shit, it was perfect.
“Anyway, that ending was cool, but, you and me talking, you’re writing another trilogy, ain’t you?”
#4, from an industry professional on my offer to tone down the nudity and violence in The Brittle Riders, “Homie, that ship bolted the harbor long ago. You have a black guy who wants to play God kicking off your story. Then, thanks to him, you kill all the people. You’ve got a minotaur twink who makes twinks look studly. Then you got a giant cockroach who loves the New Testament. Look, once you get rid of all the folks that shit is gonna piss off, we get your target audience. And my bet is they all like naughty bits.”
#5, the first review of my character video for this universe, “A lot more dancing than I expected in a dystopia, but all the boobs, bullets, and booze a Southern gal could ask for.”
Speaking of the character video, I put a lot of work into having it conform to the other two series-specific videos. According to people who are better looking and smarter than me, that was a mistake. The first two videos are each specific to a story. But the universe I created is chaos built on insanity. They feel, strongly, that the character video should reflect that. Give me a week, and it will.
As long as we’re talking videos, NO, MRS. McGORMAN! NOT YOUR ONLY FANS VIDEOS! PLEASE STOP SENDING THEM!
Ahem, anyway, the nice folks over at Hadithi Sambamba Comix have been garnering interest on their titles from media companies, to the point where we put our pointy heads together and came up with a Promo Video and a truly spiffy Slide Show for those who don’t want throbbing audio to disrupt their pristine offices. Also, a while back, Hadithi signed a deal with Drive Thru Comics for international distribution.
One thing I have learned is that definitions of naughty are wildly varied around the world. Europeans love an uncovered breast, Japan reveres the penis as a religious object, and Americans get freaked out by a woman’s uncovered ankles. So, we have come up with consistent age guidelines for every title, so that every country’s minimum age is respected.
This also means you have no excuse anymore. You must go and start purchasing age-appropriate and critically acclaimed titles for your intellectual consumption.
DO IT! DO IT NOW!
Sorry, we’re just excited by everything that’s going on.
